SAGE Tips for Family Members

It's often difficult for parents and other family members to understand the complex issues involved in prostitution or other areas of commercial sexual exploitation (CSE)—particularly when their daughter or son is involved.
The following suggestions for family members stem from an interview with Laurel Freeman, SAGE Youth Program Director, based on her work with SAGE's Youth and Family Preservation Program.

• Don't pretend that nothing has happened. It's difficult to face, but there is no "returning to normal" (and often, that vision of "normal" never existed, which makes it even more stressful for the youth when a family tries to sweep the issue under a rug). Ask straight-forward questions, such as "Are you thinking about going back out there?" or "Are there pimps calling you?"
  


• Understand that, as difficult and unimaginable as it is, you can't force a youth to "recover quickly," and you can't force her or him to leave the trade, leave the streets, leave the pimp, etc. They have to make that decision—and you can offer support that makes it easier for them to do so, though you can't control the outcome. This is similar to the inability to force someone to leave a domestic violence situation until she feels ready to do so.
  


• Treat the young person like you would treat a young adult, rather than treating them like an innocent child. Even if she's 13 or 15, it's hard for parents to imagine (or want to think about) the fact that the youth has been out on the streets, making money, and surviving. Because of this experience, the child is more mature than other kids her age.
  


• Talk with your child openly and honestly, even that means approaching the conversation like you would with a roommate. This is difficult for many parents, because of the expectations of how a parent-child relationship should work. But because of the youth's experience, honesty and straight-forward questions work best.
  


• Be aware that there are always underlying issues of sexual abuse. Parents might ask the girl if they were molested or raped when they were younger, because that's often a trigger. Parents can ask "Did you get raped at a party? Did you get molested or abused" Did something happen that fostered this?" Often, because there is some hidden sexual abuse, a girl might harbor feelings that the parent failed to notice and failed to protect them.
  


• Resist the urge to become overly strict or overly protective, which often drives the child or young woman to run away and go back to the streets or the pimp. Instead, give the girl more freedom than you otherwise might, while still setting clear expectations that the child attend school, get a job, go to a youth therapy group, attend counseling, etc.
  


• Increase your awareness and understanding of CSE/CSEC issues, post-traumatic stress syndrome, and other issues that will be very much a part of the child's experience. This understanding is crucial to helping any reunification succeed.
  


• Make sure the child is involved in programs like SAGE offers—youth group programs, individual counseling and therapy, family counseling and therapy, etc. Look for and take full advantage of any such support systems you can find.
  


• Keep the youth busy! Ensure that they're involved in the SAGE-type programs, youth/peer counseling groups, individual counseling, trauma recovery programs, working at a "normal" job, etc.
  


• Provide a loving and supportive presence—letting the youth know that you love her, that your support will always be there for her, that she's always welcome to come home when she's ready to, etc. Don't "cut them off"—in that way, tough love rarely works as well as keeping the communication lines open.
  


• Don't be co-dependent. For example, if you know your child is on the streets and involved in prostitution, don't pretend that nothing is happening. Some parents go so far as to pretend that the pimp is really a boyfriend, because they don't want to face the hard reality that their daughter (or so) is involved in prostitution.
  


• Understand that there are some parents who know the "boyfriend" is really a pimp, and yet they will talk with him, or even have relationships with him, as if he's really "just a boyfriend." This is a denial mechanism. Parents strongly want to disbelieve what is really happening, don't want "the truth to get out", so they participate in the fantasy. This does not help the child.
  


• Don't call the child names or "throw her past in her face" when things get challenging. Many youth say that this is one of the things that makes then run away again and return to the streets—that a parent called them a slut, or whore, etc. Again, understand the complexities involved in commercial sexual exploitation and sexual abuse/trauma, and be more loving and supportive in your communications.
  


• Set healthy boundaries—you can say "When you're ready to come back, you're always welcome and I'll be here, but if you're going to steal from me to give money to your pimp, or other things like that, that behavior is not welcomed."
  


• If you're concerned that someone (e.g. a pimp) is using and hurting your daughter (or son), honestly approach the issue out of love, and let her know that you're concerned for her well-being and her life.
  


• Have hope that recovery is possible, and give the child hope. Using examples of "real world" programs like SAGE, where there are peers who have been where your child is, can give her hope that it's possible to leave the trade and live another kind of life. Often, a child feels like "I'm on the lowest rung of society, so I may as well just give up on myself." Using real-world examples shows her that there is another option.
  


• Don't blame the child. Realize that there is very real brainwashing that happens to get the youth involved in prostitution or other forms of commercial sexual exploitation in the first place, and more coercion, manipulation, and usually mental and physical abuse to keep her in that system. There is a lot of recovering and healing to do.
  


• Understand that a pimp and his/her "recruiters" are often telling a girl exactly what she most hopes and needs to hear—that she's beautiful, that she can be a success, that she can have all of the money and cars and glamour that other people will respect her for, that she can be a supermodel or movie star, etc.
  


• When you're dealing with a young woman, it doesn't serve them to normalize prostitution in any way. Just because they can seem very mature, a child doesn't have the capacity to make a good decision to enter the sex trade or be a prostitute.
  


• Understand that money—even more than drugs— is a huge issue. In many ways, there is an addiction to the "fast money" that prostitution yields. Youth often say "If I don't have some money in my pocket, I don't feel secure." Get the youth busy and involved in healing programs, and encourage them to get a job like waitressing or hairdressing—jobs where they walk away with cash from tips at the end of the day.

For more information about SAGE programs and services, use the links above. If you have questions and would like to speak to a SAGE counselor, use the Contact information above and ask for the SAGE Youth Program counselors.

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